GUEST BLOGGER: What is Wrong with my Marriage? I Am!

NOTE: I have invited the contributions of Stu Reimer to write in this space on the issues of marriage and family. If you follow CRC at all you will know Stu to be my frequent substitute in the pulpit and I am looking forward to his work as my substitute from time to time in this space. Expect his blogs to appear every 6 weeks or so.

Stu is no expert on the things on which I have asked him to write (Just ask his wife and children), but he is a committed reformed Christian and a committed husband and father. His opinions are his own, but I trust that reading his blogs will bring much wisdom and offer much practical value as we try to maintain biblical faithfulness in our families while navigating a strange and contrary world.

Now, on to Stu.

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Legend tells of an English newspaper that once posed the question to its readers, “What is wrong with the world?” Well known author G.K. Chesterton submitted a shocking one sentence response: “Dear Sir, I am.” Chesterton understood that man is born a fallen sinner and his biggest battle does not come from the outside but within.

Now, what if instead a newspaper posted this question; “What is wrong with your marriage?” It would be equally shocking for someone to reply, “I am.” That is because it is much more prevalent in our culture for an unhappy spouse to assume their misery is due to a difficult partner and many are more than happy to vent about it. Even for some who will read this, their first thought may be, “But you don’t know my circumstance, if my spouse would only _____, our marriage would be so much easier.” Moreover, most see their own sin as slight shortcomings.

This kind of negative hostility grows out of either not knowing, or ignoring the doctrine of depravity. To give a brief summary, the doctrine of depravity is a biblical understanding of our complete fallen nature inherited from Adam (Romans 5:12-20). To quote chapter 6 of the 1689 London Baptist Confession,

4. All actual transgressions arise from this first corruption. By it we are thoroughly biased against, and disabled and antagonistic toward all that is good, and we are completely inclined toward all that is evil (James 1:14, 15; Matthew 15:19, Romans 8:7, Colossians 1:21).

5. During this life, this corruption of nature remains in those who are regenerated. Even though it is pardoned and put to death through Christ, yet both this corruption of nature and all actions arising from it are truly and actually sin (Rom. 7:18, 23; Ecc. 7:20; Rom. 7:23-25; Gal. 5:17).

Unfortunately, this doctrine of depravity has come to be silenced, both in the pulpit and the counselor’s office. Rather, people are convinced their problems are from the outside and the answer lies within. Now, contrast that to Scripture which tells us the problem comes from within and the answer can only be found looking outside of ourselves.

Counselors do not want to speak about sin and listeners equally do not want to be told they’re sinners. It sounds depressing to be told that you are not born good or even neutral, but come into the world as children of wrath. For those who have not embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ this would be a natural sentiment but for those who have a biblical comprehension of Christ’s work of redemption, it becomes a beautiful piece of the gospel story. Now let me offer the practical application that understanding our fallen nature can offer our marriages.

1. It leads us to introspection not accusation

Naturally, when facing marital conflict the likely path to take is resentment at the failings of our spouse. It is all too common for a spouse to feel no need to repent but rather wait for their partner to see the error of their ways. A biblical approach rather takes the attitude of the Apostle Paul and causes one to see themselves as the chief of sinners and leads them to searching their own heart first. When both spouses take this approach of self-introspection, usually repentance and forgiveness quickly follow.

2. It frees us from the frustration of unmet expectations

Almost all frustrations in marriage can be traced back to one thing; unmet expectations. Reason would follow, that if one views the heart as good and operating from a place of even neutrality, they have every right to expect a high standard of love and respect. Yet, when we view our spouse as fallen and prone to sin we are much more capable to extend to them the same grace our Lord extends to us. Every Christian finds it pretty easy to identify with Paul’s struggle against the flesh in Romans 7:15; “For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing that I hate”. We need to acknowledge that this same battle is going on within our spouse. There will be occurrences in marriage where a spouse has been hurt so bad they are shocked they could be so blatantly sinned against. The real shock, as we understand our moral inability apart from God’s grace, is that our sins toward each other are not way more egregious. God’s grace is the only reason my wife has not killed me in my sleep; even if I deserve it (I’m very thankful for it).

3. It forces us to rely on the gospel instead of our own effort

The fatal flaw of any marriage is putting trust in self over Christ. Sadly, many counselors and pastors have enabled this path of marital suicide by offering more and more tools and techniques without ever addressing the underlying issue. Apart from the gospel we are left running on the hamster wheel of trying harder only to fail again. If bitter resentment toward our spouse and their failings doesn’t consume us, then it is our own repeated failure that causes us to give up.

Yet, when we understand our brokenness, it becomes like the black backdrop that makes a diamond sparkle; that diamond being the gospel. Embracing our fallen nature leads us to not lean on our self or our spouse but the grace and freedom that is only found is Jesus Christ. When both partners in marriage are quick to repent, forgive and cling to the blood of Christ, God is glorified. Through this living out of the gospel we see embracing our fallenness is the first step toward sanctification and marital joy.

This entry has been longer than usual and yet I feel so strongly about this doctrine that I feel obligated to turn you toward a resource, a book written by Dave Harvey titled, When Sinners Say “I Do”. If that sounds familiar, Pastor Jared did a book review blog on it dated July 4 I recommend you begin with. Along with him, I highly encourage you to read the whole thing. I would credit this book for revealing to me the understanding that builds a strong marriage. In fact, I look back and not even the whole book but the first three chapters offered more than hours of pre-marital counseling ever could have.