Redeeming Regret

I’m getting old. As I do I have less of life ahead of me to look forward to, and more of life behind me to look back upon. This creates a potential problem. Looking back can be a good thing -- recalling stories and experiences that bring joy -- but it can also be a bad thing -- recalling stories and experiences that bring regret.

Regret is a powerful emotional and intellectual prison which binds us to the ‘what-if’s’ that our imagination creates as it looks backwards over the landscape of our lives. What-if I had chosen a different career? What if I had gone to school (or not gone to school) after high school? What if I had moved to (or not moved to) ____ community? What if I hadn’t (or had) chosen to marry ____? What if I had done x instead of y when I was raising my children? What if I had… what if I had… what if I had…? Often the assumption in much of our reflection is that the road not taken would probably have been the better one, something that would have led us to a better place, to more wealth, more health, and more happiness. This brings regret.

Regret is bred from disappointment with the way things are and a longing for things that might have been. It is disappointment, sadness, and a whole lot of wondering about what might have been ‘if.’ Regret is always idealistic and positive, leading us to believe that if we had done things differently in the past everything would be better today. It is both deceptive and dangerous.

For the Christian regret is very dangerous for four reasons -- it denies the sovereignty of God, it denies God’s care for his people regardless of circumstance, it encourages sinful rebellion against God, and it robs us of joy.

First, it denies the sovereignty of God. Ephesians 1:11b is clear, God “works all things to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will.” The Westminster Confession (3, 1) puts this reality in simple terms, “God from all eternity did by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass; yet so as thereby… [does no] violence… to the will of the creatures, nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.” In other words, God is in control regardless of circumstance leading his people to his divine purposes which no one can thwart regardless of what decisions we might have made (or not made). Calvin writes, “Ignorance of providence is the greatest of all miseries, and the knowledge of it the highest happiness.”

Where regret says, “I might have screwed things up for myself,” God says, “All of your choices have been established by me from eternity past and NOTHING can thwart my wise, sovereign, and loving designs for you.”

Second, it denies God’s care for his people regardless of circumstance. Let me return to Ephesians 1:11 by quoting the first part of the verse as well as v 12, “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.” Now we see that God has ordained all things -- even the bad things -- for the purpose of giving us every spiritual blessing that we can possibly receive from him. [Think about Joseph’s experience as an example.] Regret is good if it drives us to repentance for sin. It is damaging if it causes us to question the love, care, and wisdom of God.

Where regret says, “God doesn’t love me because he has allowed me to be in the place that I am,” God says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. I am your helper, there is nothing to fear. What can happen to you that I have not foreseen and will work to your benefit?”

Third, it can lead to rebellion against God. As we saw in the Calvin quote above, to deny God’s sovereignty over all things and his infinite love and care is to murmur against his providence. Thus murmuring will inevitably lead us to think that God is against us not for us (which is ridiculous) or that we could have and would have done better if we were God (which is even more ridiculous). We must be careful to not embrace an unbelieving heart that will lead us away from God.

Where regret says, “God is against you, why would you serve him,” God says, “I will not allow anyone or anything or any circumstance to come between you and me. My love is infinite and no one will (or can) snatch you from my loving hand which means that no one can separate you from my eternal and infinite love.”

Fourth, it robs us of joy. The believer is not to pursue happiness. Happiness is determined by circumstances going my way. If they don’t, regret creeps in (among other things) and I am unhappy. The believer is to pursue the joy of the Lord which is our strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) We are to pursue the joy that is only found in our salvation. (Psalm 51:12) We are to pursue God in whose presence there is fullness of joy. (Psalm 16:11) In Jesus Christ we receive everything we need and are promised eternal blessings beyond measure which brings us divine joy beyond measure.

Where regret says, “I am not happy, and cannot be happy, because of the decisions I have made in the past,” God says, “Look away from yourself to me and discover the fullness of what I’ve given you in Christ Jesus. For it is in him that you receive all things from me including the fullness of my joy.” (John 15:4-5, 11)

Soli Deo Gloria